


i'd feel better

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Issues, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Mess, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Deceit | Janus Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27040924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus would feel better if he just cut.Now, he may not be right on a number of things, but on this? He couldn't have been more right.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 28





	i'd feel better

**Author's Note:**

> TW: IMPLIED/REFERENCED PAST ABUSE (WRITTEN AS SEXUAL BUT NOT EXPLICITLY STATED), WORDS: "PRINCESS" AND "WHORE"
> 
> Lmk if there's anymore!! <3

Why doesn't Janus just cut already? 

It's been.. almost two whole entire fucking days since he cut.

Why didn't he cut before? Oh god, he knows what happens when he delays it. 

The last time he did, he attempted suicide.

That was a little over two weeks ago now. He could barely go a day for absolute fear that he'd attempt. 

That time, two weeks ago, he'd went three. 

Three whole days, and finally on the third night he attempted. If he didn't cut today, there could be five attempts instead of the four he has now.

Holy fuck. 

Does he want to die?! 

Is he that self-destructive?!

He's fucking self-preservation for fucks sake! 

Oh fuck, he's broken. 

He's broken.

Oh god. 

No one can love someone who's broken. 

He's failed as a side.

He's failed Thomas.

That was his one motherfucking job, and he still fucking failed. 

Such a failure. 

Disappointment. 

Slut.

Whore.

Whore. 

Whore. 

Whore whore whore whore whore whore whore. 

Fucking whore. 

Princess. 

Princess. 

Princess. 

Princess. 

Princess. 

Fuck fuck no no please no no no please don't no don't call him that please stop oh god he's terrible he just wants to make himself suffer oh god what kind of person calls them a name that they knows triggers the hell out of them, oh god, he's fucking worthless can't even self-depercate right can't even kill himself right he's tried oh god he's tried four times and none of them has worked each one gets better and more real but it hasn't worked yet why hasn't it worked yet is he so deserving of punishment that he's unable to die or he just so much of a goddamn complete moron--

He's not he's not he's not a princess he doesn't belong to her he's not a girl he's valid he's okay he doesn't belong to anybody she doesn't matter anymore she just used him anyway and fuck he was so gullible he fell for it, what an idiot, fucking braindead asshole, how stupid-- 

He's alright, he's okay, he's not a princess, no, no, no. 

She's not here, they aren't in contact anymore, he's okay. 

Janus is okay. 

It's okay. 

It is okay. 

Janus is a boy. 

Not a girl. 

Janus belongs to himself. 

Not her, not him, not anyone but himself. 

Janus is valid, he is trans and he will be okay. 

Janus is a he. 

Not she. 

Never she. 

Janus is okay, he's perfectly valid. 

Someone, somewhere, will accept and love him. 

One day.

One day he won't have to cut, because his literal life won't depend on it. 

One day, he will be able to feel comfortable and loved no matter what. 

One day, he will be okay. 

One day, things will get better. 

One day, he'll look back and think that he's so damn happy he stayed. 

One day, he won't need to calm himself down from panic attacks. 

One day, he can be happy. 

One day, he won't be alone. 

One day. 

But not today. 

It'll take some waiting, some fighting, some staying-- but it'll be worth it. 

Janus thinks he'd feel better after he cut.

And he was right.

As the side that hides both truths and lies, he was always right when it came to his own needs. 

Even though that was super egotistical, he was right. 

One day, he might be able to make it without cutting. But for now.. it'll make everything better, even if just for a moment or two.

**Author's Note:**

> woah guys it feels like ages since i last wrote while in the midst of anxiety attack 
> 
> ;) 
> 
> (there were so many typos i kid you not i was internally crying while fixing them)


End file.
